Saturday, January 08, 2005

It must be one of the hardest things I’d ever done – say goodbye. For 4 years, I have been going to the hospital almost everyday. I have been through a lot with my co-residents - break-ups, love affairs, fights, family problems, triumphs, difficult relatives and patients, a whole lot more. I have developed lasting friendships there, friendships that have contributed to who I have become now. The hospital became my second home; my collegues, my second family.

I can still remember clearly the day I first had a glimpse of the hospital. I just graduated from medical school then and as fate had it, I was one of the few who was not matched to any hospital for internship then a friend told me about Metropolitan Hospital. They gladly accepted me there because there were a lot of interns asking to be transferred then (good for me!). My parents were quiet apprehensive, understandably so because I was not used to the area. Coming from Quezon City where one can still see open spaces and trees, Tondo is a big change for me. It is also known for its high crime rate then so I was also hesitant at first. My first rotation was in ENT, benign compared to some friends who were in Medicine or Pedia. Days... weeks... months went by. I didn't notice the time passing by, I was having too much fun with my co-interns, nurses, residents and consultants and before I knew it, it was graduation time. Then came the medical boards. After the boards, I had some doubts then on what to do next. In clerkship, I wanted to be in the surgical field but not enough to choose Surgery as my subspecialty. When I was in internship, I enjoyed my rotation in OB, my residents even encouraged me into it when they praised me that I had much confidence in examining and referring patients to them; not bad, I will be in the surgical field but with less pressure compared to General Surgery. BUT I hated doing the labor watch... hours of waiting with my hands on top of a pregnant woman's belly timing and recording her contractions. And then came my rotation in Pediatrics... even when I was still younger, I always loved kids so it wasn't a surprise that I enjoyed my rotation there. However, it was not only the patients that made me decide to go into Pediatrics but the whole Pediatrics department- from the chairman, training officer, consultants and residents. Compared to the other departments, they had a unique camaraderie, they were family! We ate together, went home together, watched movies together, painted the town red together (a little exaggerated of course! hehehehe!), laughed and cried together. I tried finding my place at a good university hospital but I gave it up because I left a part of myself in Tondo.... my heart.

The hardships of being a first year resident was made bearable by good friends also in the same boat as I was. Oh, I had a lot fun! Physically, I always came home tired. Being on duty 32 hours every 3 days and coming in every day almost 7 days a week for 3 years could take its toll on anybody but enjoying what you do with good friends around you will certainly make up for the sleepless and stressful nights and days. Compensation was very minimal but what the heck, I am more blessed than some people I know! I would however be lying if I said I wasn't looking forward to graduating from residency. Graduation would mean freedom and a less stressful life! No more waking up at 5:30 am so as not to be late coming in at 8 am; no more headaches from difficult patients and relatives; no more sleeping for only 2 hours; no more demanding consultants breathing down your neck; no more incompetent nurses to deal with. But graduation for me came a whole year later - I was extended to become the chief resident. I know it looks good on the CV but what a stressful year!

As a chief resident, you have the burden of being the cushion that the other residents fall back on. I was the bearer of both good and bad news; all the problems and complaints almost always came to me first. I was tasked to nurture both the emotional and intellectual needs of both the residents and interns, also at times even the consultants. I know I made a lot of enemies being the chief. My younger brother even reprimanded me for what he termed as going into unknown territory for me. Who else would take the greivances of the residents to the proper authorities but me? I was just doing my job. I tried hard to be a different chief resident- become more approachable and treat the others as adults, as equals. I believed that having that in mind made our responsibilities less heavy(hey! having our little patients' lives into our hands is not a load that we can take lightly). There were times I also doubted that philosophy but in the end, everything always turned out fine so I stuck by it.

And then graduation day came.... I am a very emotional person so I promised myself that I will try real hard not to cry. I even volunteered to do the slide show of the graduates so that I can pour all my emotions into it - from the background music to the prayer and to the message at the end of the slide show. But then again, promises are made to be broken- they made us say something in response to the inspirational talk. I don't remember much of what I said that day but I know it is similar to what I am writing now. Looking back, I knew I cried because it meant I had to say goodbye to the people I held dearly to my heart for the past 4 years. They have become like my children (of course some are older than me!). It pains me that from now on I won't be included in their daily lives, that I won't be there to fight their battles with them and that I may not be there to see all their triumphs. But as a good parent, I would have to learn to let them go.

I would like to think that inspite of the failures and disappointments, I did good during my 4 years in residency training. I didn't realize it then but I know now that I am loved by my department. So as much as I want to stay, I am spreading my wings and saying goodbye. I will try my best to make you all proud. And I will be comforted by the knowledge that wherever life may bring me now, I will always have a home to come back to.